Yes, I am angry. I am an angry adoptee. Contrary to popular belief not all adoptees are happy. I would also guess that the percentage of angry adoptees is much higher than is acknowledged. Not all of us feel safe enough to share our true feelings and we will gladly play the part of "happy adoptee" just to avoid conflict.
Was I always angry? No, this is very recent and really reared its head once I had found my biological father and mother. I learned that I was adopted at a very early age. It didn't really phase me. I was happy, I had been chosen, and I was grateful to be raised by a family that provided for me. As I got into my teenage years, adoption was taboo. There was no discussion to be had and all was good, as long as I assumed the role of the good son. We never got to talk about me and my feelings, it was always how they felt, my adoption was more about them than about me.
I found my mother a little over ten years ago and it was a whirlwind of emotions. I was so torn, I was happy I found her, in fact too happy. I was blind to who she really was and it took me awhile to realize that she only cared about herself. Again, my adoption was not about me. I was angry with her for abandoning me. She blew it off as a phase and told me I would get over it. For the record, I haven't.
She claimed she had no idea who my father was and it would be a few months after meeting that she called and told me she found my father. She gave me a name and phone number. I called and yes, this guy was with my mother at the right time. After requesting that he take two separate DNA tests, it was determined that he was not the father. She insisted that he and the DNA tests were wrong. I for the life of me couldn't figure out why she insisted it was him and refused to tell me about the other people she was with at the time. Again, something important to me was being ignored because it made them uncomfortable. I was pissed at her constant deflection and ignoring of my feelings. I cut off all contact. I have not spoken with her in over ten years.
Just last year I submitted to Ancestry for a DNA test and through a lot of detective work and the help of a wonderful researcher I met through a friend at work, we found my father. He never knew, and like me he was pissed off at my mom for not saying anything.
My father and his family welcomed me into their family as if I had always been there (this did not happen with my mom's family). I was overcome with joy and sadness at the same time. This warm welcome and finally seeing people that look and act like me is what finally set the fuse on my anger.
Here I was, 48 years old and for the first time in my life feeling like I belonged. I was wanted and I was loved for who I am. I did not have to pretend to be anybody else. It was liberating.
I am angry that years were wasted not knowing my family. I am angry that at no point in my adoption was it ever about me. It was always what is best for my mother and as long as my adoptive parents were happy then nothing else mattered. Too much time was lost on the fragile egos of three people and my mother had proved once again who came first in her life.
Damn right I am pissed and I will not conform or change just to keep the peace. I am done being afraid.
You are not alone and I hear you -- Scott
I am an adoptee that has discovered my roots and biological family, thanks to DNA and lots of digging. I am writing this blog as a way to work through everything that being adopted means to me.