Why are you searching, won’t your parents be upset? I know adoptees that are happy and
never have had the desire to search? Your mom loved you so much she gave you away so you would have a better life.
This is just a small sampling of the many thing that have been said to me over the years.
"Why are you searching, won’t your parents be upset?"
Well let me list a few of the reasons:
No medical history,
No idea of my ancestry.
Not looking like anyone in my family.
Wonder if I have brothers or sisters.
I feel like a stranger in my own “family”
No medical history:
This one can literally save your life. Up until last year my answer at the doctors office was always, unknown. This leaves medical professionals without crucial info that can help them diagnose. There is nothing like being reminded every time you fill out a medical form that you were unwanted. I also do not have children. One of the reasons why was because I had no idea how tainted my genes were. Was I a product of rape? Incest? The child of a serial killer? It simply wasn’t worth the risk to me. This year I was able to provide a lot of medical history and it was also one of the happiest days of my life.
This is a big one. Who am I? Who do I look like? Where am I from? Growing up I was told that just pick a place, you can be from wherever you want since you were adopted. What the...? That’s not how this works mom. I can’t make up shit just because you are too uncomfortable to talk to your son about real feelings. My grandmother was all about genealogy and I was fascinated by it. She was proud of the family and would share all these stories about “my ancestors”. She meant well, she treated me as if I was blood but in doing so dismissed my feelings. I would look through the pictures and wonder what my real ancestors looked like.
Finding my ancestry and tracing it back several hundred years has been an eye opening journey and has really given me a sense of belonging. So there! I don’t have to make that part up anymore. Finding out who I am was way more important than my parents feelings. After all, it’s my life, isn’t it?
"I know adoptees that are happy and never have had the desire to search."
Let me start this one by saying, No you don’t. You only think you do and you are only saying this in hopes that I will shut up as you paint me as being crazy for wanting answers. This line of bullshit seems to only be said to adoptees. If I would have lost my whole family in a house fire while I was still a baby, you would show some empathy and understanding. But since I lost my whole family due to other people’s decisions, you feel it’s ok to gaslight me and tell me I’m being unreasonable. Who’s the asshole now? Those adoptees that say they don’t want to search, they are not lying. They just may not be ready to tackle the emotions involved with such discovery. They may not feel comfortable or safe expressing their true feelings. We have spent many years being conditioned to not upset our parents. Some are actually waiting for their adoptive parents to die before they search. Stop and think about that for a second. To be so afraid of offending your parents that you wait until they are dead first. I was terrified when I started my search but I was not going to waste anymore time wondering who I was.
"Your mom loved you so much she gave you away so you would have a better life."
I am going to stop you right there. For one thing you don't know her. I do and this is pure bullshit. She had no intention of ever raising me. She continued to drink, and do drugs. It was and still is all about her. People need to stop trying to tell others about things they know nothing about. You don't make me feel better, you are just another person who thinks they know me and my life. I will never know if I had a better life. One thing for sure is that I had a different life.
I do have people in my life that listen and don't center the conversation on them. Those are the people I cherish. None of my adoptive family listen, to them I am ungrateful and angry. My father who I just found, along with several cousins, accept me and treat me in a way I never knew possible. My wonderful wife has been there for me, even when I didn't deserve her. I also count the numerous adoptees that I have found online. We have each other and when we surround ourselves with those that truly love and support us, we thrive.
"Chasing a dream as I go higher
Playing it mean, my heart's on fire
Living my life, ain't no pretender
Ready to fight with no surrender" -- No Surrender -- Judas Priest
You are not alone -- Scott
I am an adoptee that has discovered my roots and biological family, thanks to DNA and lots of digging. I am writing this blog as a way to work through everything that being adopted means to me.