I have now starred in more than ten feature films. I am not good enough.
I have been contracted as a screenwriter for an upcoming movie. I am not good enough.
I have been married to my wonderful wife for more than 28 years. I am not good enough.
I can play multiple musical instruments. I am not good enough.
I can paint and draw. I am not good enough.
I have ran large retail stores. I am not good enough.
This list goes on and on and yet, I am still not good enough.
Why? Why would someone think this way? It's not right and it's not healthy. I believe it is because the first message I received in my life was that I was not wanted by my own mother. Before you feel the need to chime in and tell me some bullshit about how she wanted a better life for me and loved me so much she gave me away; I know the story, and that’s not what happened.
Rejected before birth, she had no plans of raising me or even letting my father have a chance.
I tell myself that I am not good enough in everything that I do. Even when presented with solid proof otherwise, I refuse to believe it. The reason? If I was good enough, my mother would've kept me. Remember a newborn doesn't give two shits about good intentions. A newborn can only react. The reaction? I am alone and the my mom is gone.
My adoptive parents didn't do much to convince me otherwise either. All they cared about was what would other people say? I couldn't be the perfect child and I eventually gave up. By the time High School rolled around I was already getting high and drinking every weekend. Hell, I think I set a record for amount of skipped school.
No matter what I would do, I couldn't get them to react. I was left to deal with my pain alone. During a therapy session while I was in rehab I tried to explain where my pain came from and my mother made it all about her. I shut down. Fuck it.
To this day they still don't care. I don't make movies they like. I am not famous. They claim that nothing would make them happier than to see my name on the TV. ( It already has been). But whatever.
In spite of all of this I still try and please them and I don't want to hurt them. I am slowly changing though. This past year I met my father. He and his family welcomed me in with open arms. I have never felt more accepted my entire life. They truly want me to be a part of the family. We are trying and I love them for it. I feel as if now at almost 50 years old, I have been born again. This time it is on my terms and I finally get a chance to be myself. The hell with what anyone else thinks.
Onward to the future --- Scott
I am an adoptee that has discovered my roots and biological family, thanks to DNA and lots of digging. I am writing this blog as a way to work through everything that being adopted means to me.