Forgiveness? What is that? something magical? I have heard it said many times that giving forgiveness is for yourself and for you to be able to move on. Really? So let's see, all I have to do is call up my biological mother and tell her, "I forgive you for abandoning me when I needed you the most"? Yeah, that's a hard pass. I had no say in what she did. Her intentions do not mean a damn thing to a newborn. I still suffer the scars of her decisions to this very day. I could mumble the magic words of forgiveness and guess what? I am still an adoptee, I am still living as someone else, I still have a fake ass birth certificate. Forgiveness changes absolutely nothing. Not a day goes by that I am not mad at her.
I bring all this up because yesterday I started writing a blog post about being bullied and I was incredibly triggered. I just love it when I trigger myself. Well there goes the day. I was bullied relentlessly all through school. Physically and emotionally. I don't know how I survived.
One of the most traumatic events was when my best friend and I had a falling out that turned so ugly. I have been upset about it for thirty plus years. My friend did apologize to me for everything that happened and I didn't give it much thought. We reconnected on social media many years ago and I was constantly reminded about those events. He had apologized and I never accepted it. I stopped writing yesterday and reached out to him to apologize for my role in the falling out. You know what happened? I could breath, I am better and I really believe that I can move past this. He and I are good and will continue to rebuild our relationship.
I do think the only reason this is possible is because he and I had a pre-trauma relationship. I do not have a pre-trauma relationship with my mom. All we have is trauma. There is nothing to rebuild, no foundation to work with. She abandoned me and I had to find her thirty-eight years later. No matter how much I want the weight of the pain she caused me lifted off of my shoulders, It will never happen. We have no where to go. She is a stranger that caused me great pain and I can not forgive her. I accept that .
You are not alone -- Scott