Fear

My biological mother and my adoptive parents entered into a legal agreement in 1970. An agreement that would forever change all of our lives. An agreement that didn't include my input.  An agreement that I could not legally enter into or honor as a newborn.  My biological mother would give my adoptive parents her child (me) and my adoptive parents would have a new son.  The state of Illinois would then change my birth certificate to show that I was actually born to my adoptive parents. This would in all of their eyes, erase the truth and we could all pretend to be one big happy family. Except, a relationship built on lies and deceit will fail every damn time. My parents didn't hide my adoption from me. I don't even remember being told.  I do remember being proud that I was "chosen", I was a "gift". That is until I could no longer ignore the need to know the truth.

We could always talk about what my adoption meant to them. They were so happy, my feelings were not to be entertained.  My curiosity and any deviation from the "happy adoptee" script was met with tears and sometimes yelling. The message was clear, "shut up and be grateful", so I did just that.  I wouldn't talk to them about it for many years.

When I was 38, I found my mother on an online message board.  I was excited! here she was! I would finally be "right"  all of my emotional issues would be washed away, and I would finally be "fixed".  Ha!  did I mention that I can be a bit naive? Yeah, not only did she not "fix" me, my adoptive mother lost her shit and was scared that I was going to replace her?  What the actual fuck? How does that even make any sense? At first I played the good adoptee and tried to calm everyone down and set my feelings aside. That didn't last.  I had enough and decided that I was going to live my life and they could either support me or get out of the way.

My reunion fell apart with my biological mother when she refused to acknowledge my feelings and told me that I was just going through a phase.  I ended it.  My adoptive parents were happy and I am convinced that they take some sick pleasure in my loss.  

Ten years later at age 48, I took a DNA test just to find out the other half of my ancestry. I found it and with the help of a kind soul, I met through another adoptee, I found my father.  Shit! here we go again.  This time I was ready for my parents to not be happy. They weren't.  This time my adoptive father was upset. I attempted to talk to them and be an adult and it became clear that was not to be.  They are so afraid and fragile that no discussion can be had.  For my health I have stopped all talk about my adoption with them. 

I am still in reunion with my Biological father.  He had no idea about me and my biological mother wouldn't give me his name.  I have been welcomed into a large and accepting family and I look forward to what the future will bring.

I know people right now who are waiting for their adoptive parents to die, before they start searching.  The fear of upsetting your parents is implanted in us at such an early age that we become down right paralyzed at the though of making them angry.  I don't know what happened with me, but I just said "fuck it" and leapt off of the cliff.  The only regrets that I have is that I didn't start sooner. 

​Live your life for you. Not for your parents. If they really cared about you, they would talk about your feelings and help you find your answers.  It's time the lies stopped and we start living.

​Live your life, Do it! -- Scott