|
My biological mother and my adoptive parents entered into a legal agreement in 1970. An agreement that would forever change all of our lives. An agreement that didn't include my input. An agreement that I could not legally enter into or honor as a newborn. My biological mother would give my adoptive parents her child (me) and my adoptive parents would have a new son. The state of Illinois would then change my birth certificate to show that I was actually born to my adoptive parents. This would in all of their eyes, erase the truth and we could all pretend to be one big happy family. Except, a relationship built on lies and deceit will fail every damn time. My parents didn't hide my adoption from me. I don't even remember being told. I do remember being proud that I was "chosen", I was a "gift". That is until I could no longer ignore the need to know the truth.
We could always talk about what my adoption meant to them. They were so happy, my feelings were not to be entertained. My curiosity and any deviation from the "happy adoptee" script was met with tears and sometimes yelling. The message was clear, "shut up and be grateful", so I did just that. I wouldn't talk to them about it for many years. When I was 38, I found my mother on an online message board. I was excited! here she was! I would finally be "right" all of my emotional issues would be washed away, and I would finally be "fixed". Ha! did I mention that I can be a bit naive? Yeah, not only did she not "fix" me, my adoptive mother lost her shit and was scared that I was going to replace her? What the actual fuck? How does that even make any sense? At first I played the good adoptee and tried to calm everyone down and set my feelings aside. That didn't last. I had enough and decided that I was going to live my life and they could either support me or get out of the way. My reunion fell apart with my biological mother when she refused to acknowledge my feelings and told me that I was just going through a phase. I ended it. My adoptive parents were happy and I am convinced that they take some sick pleasure in my loss. Ten years later at age 48, I took a DNA test just to find out the other half of my ancestry. I found it and with the help of a kind soul, I met through another adoptee, I found my father. Shit! here we go again. This time I was ready for my parents to not be happy. They weren't. This time my adoptive father was upset. I attempted to talk to them and be an adult and it became clear that was not to be. They are so afraid and fragile that no discussion can be had. For my health I have stopped all talk about my adoption with them. I am still in reunion with my Biological father. He had no idea about me and my biological mother wouldn't give me his name. I have been welcomed into a large and accepting family and I look forward to what the future will bring. I know people right now who are waiting for their adoptive parents to die, before they start searching. The fear of upsetting your parents is implanted in us at such an early age that we become down right paralyzed at the though of making them angry. I don't know what happened with me, but I just said "fuck it" and leapt off of the cliff. The only regrets that I have is that I didn't start sooner. Live your life for you. Not for your parents. If they really cared about you, they would talk about your feelings and help you find your answers. It's time the lies stopped and we start living. Live your life, Do it! -- Scott I have now starred in more than ten feature films. I am not good enough. I have been contracted as a screenwriter for an upcoming movie. I am not good enough. I have been married to my wonderful wife for more than 28 years. I am not good enough. I can play multiple musical instruments. I am not good enough. I can paint and draw. I am not good enough. I have ran large retail stores. I am not good enough. This list goes on and on and yet, I am still not good enough. Why? Why would someone think this way? It's not right and it's not healthy. I believe it is because the first message I received in my life was that I was not wanted by my own mother. Before you feel the need to chime in and tell me some bullshit about how she wanted a better life for me and loved me so much she gave me away; I know the story, and that’s not what happened. Rejected before birth, she had no plans of raising me or even letting my father have a chance. I tell myself that I am not good enough in everything that I do. Even when presented with solid proof otherwise, I refuse to believe it. The reason? If I was good enough, my mother would've kept me. Remember a newborn doesn't give two shits about good intentions. A newborn can only react. The reaction? I am alone and the my mom is gone. My adoptive parents didn't do much to convince me otherwise either. All they cared about was what would other people say? I couldn't be the perfect child and I eventually gave up. By the time High School rolled around I was already getting high and drinking every weekend. Hell, I think I set a record for amount of skipped school. No matter what I would do, I couldn't get them to react. I was left to deal with my pain alone. During a therapy session while I was in rehab I tried to explain where my pain came from and my mother made it all about her. I shut down. Fuck it. To this day they still don't care. I don't make movies they like. I am not famous. They claim that nothing would make them happier than to see my name on the TV. ( It already has been). But whatever. In spite of all of this I still try and please them and I don't want to hurt them. I am slowly changing though. This past year I met my father. He and his family welcomed me in with open arms. I have never felt more accepted my entire life. They truly want me to be a part of the family. We are trying and I love them for it. I feel as if now at almost 50 years old, I have been born again. This time it is on my terms and I finally get a chance to be myself. The hell with what anyone else thinks. Onward to the future --- Scott |
Archives
March 2020
About me:I am an adoptee that has discovered my roots and biological family, thanks to DNA and lots of digging. I am writing this blog as a way to work through everything that being adopted means to me. |
RSS Feed